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I resolve to be a better person this year. And by better I mean have a boyfriend. One who’s not a poophead.
I resolve to do better at school. No more subtle but extremely funny horse references in my reports turned in to Miss Neigh-Neigh…I mean Miss Naylor. No more taping heart-framed pictures of lame-o-lame American Idol stars on other people’s lockers. And absolutely no more wearing special effect fake wounds to school the day it’s my turn to serve milk and cookies to the little kids during story hour, and telling them I have a flesh-eating virus.
I resolve never to wear peach. It makes my skin look the same color as earwax. Everyone knows it’s a scientific fact that it’s impossible to catch a non-poophead BF with earwax skin.
I resolve that I will find Holly a guy before I leave England. She’s sweet, and funny, and nice, even if she is a bit too shy. She’s dying to go out on a real date, so I will find her the perfect Mr. Holly, a guy who will pick her up in his fabulously expensive sports car (convertible, of course), bring her flowers and Godiva chockies, give her 18K-gold heart necklaces and bracelets, and let her pick out her own sparkly earrings as a birthday present…maybe I should try this guy out first a couple of times just to make sure he’s worthy of Holly. Because I’m selfless that way.
I resolve to be Mrs. Legolas.
Did I mention the finding a boyfriend thing?
Mrs. Orlando would do, too.
I resolve to be nicer to my parents, even though they have been put on this earth to work my nerves. I resolve to remember that they are Old Than The Earth, and for that reason it’s not funny to laugh at them. Nor will I make popcorn and invite all my friends to watch Brother when he tries to use the elliptical trainer, which is a pretty big sacrifice since watching him is a hoot and a half.
Boyfriend. Want one. A good one. One who likes to kiss. A lot.
If Orli is busy, I would settle for Johnny Depp!