Hey, guys! Vick Marotti here, of You Are SO Cursed!  and I Am SO Jinxed!  You know . . . former witch? Well, not really. Just a street magician with the smarts to make my mad sleight-of-hand skills look like hexes and real-world mojo. 

Just in time for Valentine's Day, I thought I'd put together a little list for all you love-seekers out there, because you know between all the sweets and cards and those icky candy hearts with little sayings on them (does anyone actually eat those?), it's easy for a girl to get distracted and see what's really going on. So, without further ado, I present:

Vick Marotti's Guide to a Boy's Top 5 Favorite Magic Tricks!

5. Cutting a girl in half!

What's really amazing about this trick is that the boys can do it without a saw. It goes a little like this: you're walking down the hallway at school, minding your own business, and who do you see heading your way but the hottest guy in school. Yes, the one who makes your insides all fluttery and your lungs deflate like an old rubbery balloon. So you pull back your shoulders, cultivate your most mysterious Mona Lisa smile, flutter your eyelashes a little, and let him have everything you've got in the charm department.

Only he doesn't notice. Or he rolls his eyes. Or smirks.  Then boom, there you are, spending the rest of your day trying to sew yourself back together because he's split you right down the middle. The bum.

4. The disappearing money trick!

Oh, it starts off simply enough. "Hey," he'll say to you. "Do you have a few dollars I can have 'til the end of the week?" You pull out the purse and say, "Sure! Anything for y. . . ." and he snatches the bill from you and is off even before you've had a chance to see if it's fronted by good ol' George or Abe. 

Usually I do the disappearing coin trick for a kid? I give their quarter back. But don't count on it from a boy, because they're only going to spend it on some game for their PSP.

3. The amazing escape!

Houdini used to get himself out of tight places by wiggling, lock-picking, and squeezing himself from the ropes and chains in front of his adoring audiences. Modern boys, when you ask them to do something they don't want to do, like go out with you to shop for a new outfit or go out to dinner with your family or, you know, take a break from the heavy breathing and back to the homework? All it takes is a little wiggling of their own and boom! They're running in the opposite direction before you can so much as blink.

2. The vanishing act!

Monday: "Hey, want to go to the movies Friday and maybe something after?" you say. "Great!" he says. "Call me with times and stuff."

Tuesday: "We still on for Friday?" he asks,  between class. "Sure are!" you tell him.

Wednesday: "I'm going to call you tomorrow about Friday," you tell him in the cafeteria. "Friday?" he says, looking vague. "Oh, yeah, uh-huh."

Thursday: "We're still going out tomorrow, right?" you tell him, when you see him with his buddies after school. "Yeah, about that," he says, crooking his thumb and pinkie in the universal sign for call me. "Let's talk."

Friday night, 9:30: Five hundred cell phone calls and one sore thumb later, there's no sign of the idiot.

1. The greatest trick of all!

Okay, so you're having a bad day. You've not done so well on that trigonometry quiz, and you think the teacher can actually smell the stench of it when you hand in your test paper. You've left your lunch and  your money at home and have to beg for change so you can buy gloppy mess in the lunch line. Some band nerd has broken your knee cap with his French horn. You're suffering through your last class, miserable and wishing your parents were weird fanatics who would move you out into the middle of nowhere, miles from any civilization, when all of a sudden the boy you've had your eye on works his magic--and all he does is turn to you from across the room, look right into your arms, and smile slowly, like you and he have some kind of secret. And all the badness melts away, forgotten.

Yeah, some boys are good at that one. Really, really good. The only trick is finding the right one.